It returned. That deep yearning in our hearts for our loved ones to be here just one more moment.
I remember a time that the pain was so intense, I could not fathom it ever getting better. Everyone would say time heals all wounds but thats a lie I learned not to believe. I learned what does heal is gratitude, time, coping, and support. Most of all, honesty in my pain heals.
Leaving pickleball the other night, I had so much joy that I wanted to share it. For the first time in 12 or more years at least, I picked up the phone to call my dad to tell him all of the great things in my life. The impossibility of that hit me hard. What a lonely feeling that was. Finally, my heart caught up with my brain and the obvious truth struck me, he's dead. in reality I have no father to call because someone took that opportunity for the rest of my life.
I coped with years and songs that remind me of him. I am aware this upcoming milestone will be the third graduation my dad has been gone for. He has not witnessed me moving on and what makes me who I am. His death alone did that. These are moments out of our control. When the longing returns or lingers, when grief strikes like lightning on a stormy night, what do we have? We have memories. I leaned into his memory. Though that is fading slowly as years pass, I am fully aware of who he was for and to me. I lean into his life and the life we had with him. He will always be a part of me in the most beautiful ways because I embrace the pain AND the joy of this process. If not, we suffer. Lean into it all... it matters.
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